Dear Friends,
One of my favorite teachers, Nischala Devi, shared a story from her early days on a committee in the International Association of Yoga Therapists. She was advocating for more involvement from women, and her suggestions were being met with harsh criticism by one of the male members of the team. At one point, she recalls, he sputtered,”You know what? You’re not even very smart. You’re just…” (a fuming pause ensued)…
“Just… Kind.”
We all laughed when she told us this story. Laughter of disbelief at his rudeness, laughter of commiseration, and laughter that “kindness” would be opposed to “intelligence” in this way.
My beloved teacher is actually both smart and kind. She is, in fact, one of the kindest people I know. And I think this kindness is very intelligent, very wise.
The funny thing is, I suspect that this “either-or” mentality is one of the reason most of the women I know, even awesome female yoga teachers, don’t see themselves as leaders – in their teaching, in their families, in directing their own lives & reaching for their dreams. They don’t recognize the skills they bring to the table because they’re not the ones we’ve come to associate with leadership. For example, they don’t see their kindness as an asset, as a form of intelligence in itself.
The truth is, it’s possible to think of kindness as a more feminine form of power, or “soft” power, as opposed to the power of cruelty, of dominance. Women tend to hold this form of intelligence, of soft power, very naturally. But it is not just a quality for women.
For women and men alike, being able to cultivate a compassionate inner state contributes to emotional intelligence. It’s obviously not the same as book learning, but when it comes to leadership and in life, emotional intelligence is often a better predictor of success than a high IQ alone.
The Dalai Lama suggests:
If you maintain a feeling of compassion, loving-kindness, then something automatically opens your inner door. Through that, you can communicate much more easily with other people. And that feeling of warmth creates a kind of openness. You’ll find that all human beings are just like you, so you’ll be able to relate to them more easily. That gives you a spirit of friendship. There’s less need to hide things, and as a result, feelings of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity are automatically dispelled.
Also, it creates a feeling of trust from other people. Otherwise, you might find someone who is very competent, and you know you can trust that person’s competence. But if you sense that person is not kind, then you have to hold something back. You feel that, ‘Oh, I know that person can do things, but can I really trust him?’ so you will always have a certain apprehension which creates a kind of distance from him. So, anyway, I think that cultivating positive mental states like kindness and compassion definitely leads to better psychological health and happiness.” (The Art of Happiness, pp. 40-41)
Welcoming an inner state of loving-kindness also helps us build trust in ourselves – our inner critic can be so harsh!
Building up kindness within also helps us offer back that same, genuinely loving quality to others, raising their level of trust and openness with us. The ability to share from our own loving-kindness is such an asset when it comes to healthy relationships, and for leadership of any kind, because true leadership is built on relationships. In fact, in Equine Facilitated Learning, being able to adopt the role of nurturer-companion is considered a key element of well-rounded leadership.
I think that our world will begin to recognize more and more, that models of leadership based on dominance and intimidation are much less effective than those built on relationships of kindness, mutual respect, trust, and love.
Kindness matters! (Pass it on!)
Namaste,
Erin
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