Want More Joy & Ease in your Relationships? Try these Skills from EFL

Relationships. The “final” and ever-evolving frontier.

One person wants more space. The other wants more closeness. One feels easily crushed; the other seems insensitive and detached.

At work it’s no better. A colleague praises your work to your face, then you find out he criticized you behind your back. Or, someone you’re relying on is late getting her part of the work done, and just seems “checked-out.” Another makes a crisis situation out of every challenge, and another crosses your personal boundaries in surprising ways.

What do you do?

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot, in the process of gearing up for my EFL workshop, “Leading from Within: an Enlightened Approach to Getting the Life you Want” at Eponaquest this May. My own relationship challenges over the years have not been pretty, and though I have learned a lot from them, I still feel the pain, at times, of the mistakes I’ve made along the way.

What makes good relationships good? How do we get more of those and less of the pain-in-the-ass ones? How can we take the relationships we’re in, whatever their nature (romantic, work-focused, parenting, peers), and coax them toward getting better?

I’m still exploring the answers to these questions, in my personal and professional life, and, as odd as it may sound, of all the books I’ve read, and even some time spent in therapy, horses have taught me the most – about how to develop and grow, from the inside, in order to improve my relationships and lead a more joyful life.

One of the most baffling challenges in my relationships involved being able to set boundaries. In the past, I rarely set them, and when I did, I resisted doing so until I felt so angry that I set them too high, and felt horrible during and after.

I feel incredibly grateful that, though the skill-building work I’ve practiced at Eponaquest, I’m actually pretty decent at this now. Isn’t it great to know that there are actual skills that we all can learn that help relationships run more smoothly? I am honored to be able to teach these skills to others, and I feel very humbled to be featured as a success story in Linda Kohanov’s upcoming book, The Five Roles of a Master Herder: A Revolutionary Model for Socially Intelligent Leadership, under the heading, “an Empowered Life.” Linda has truly seen me grow and change through my skill-building experiences with the horses over the years, while working through some of the most difficult relationship and work challenges of my life.

I look forward to sharing some of the most meaningful and helpful of these horse activities in my workshop this spring. If you’d like more info, click here to send me a note.

Want to start now? Scroll down for 5 key skills you can practice today. 

“Thank you, Erin, for introducing me to equine facilitated learning. Although I had heard good things about it, I was quite surprised by its power and depth. As a psychologist concerned with body-mind issues I found the experience to be deeply moving, informative and healing… The basic vocabulary of non-verbal communication you shared also allowed me to witness the exquisite sensitivity and loving presence of that magnificent animal. I am most grateful for your kind and expert guidance.”            –Rubin Naiman, PhD

5 Key Skills for Relationships

I know you are busy – I am too! And maybe you won’t be able to join me at Eponaquest for a while. So, while there is nothing like the experience of learning with horses face to face, and developing these practices with a knowledgeable instructor, here are five key skills that you can practice today:

1. Commit to Congruence. Take time to notice how you actually feel, and to acknowledge this feeling as information. Trying to suppress how you feel, consciously or unconsciously, raises blood pressure and makes people (and horses) feel nervous around you. The opposite is also true – being congruent builds trust in relationships. So take a deep breath, pause, and exhale. Notice how you feel. No matter what you choose to do next, you’ll feel more grounded, knowing where you’re starting from.

2. Give yourself Space. Like horses, some of us humans need more space than others. Feeling crowded, either physically or emotionally, can trigger a stress response, which makes it hard to think clearly, which in turn can lead to emotional reactivity – a challenge in any relationship. When you feel yourself getting stressed, take a step back. This might be an actual, physical step, or it might be the space of “time.” Stressed horses usually appreciate when we take a step back from them and breathe. And if you’re feeling stressed in a relationship situation, the other person will feel this too. It is okay to “step back” and say, “I’d like to take some time to process what you’ve just said,” or, “let’s take a walk and let this go for a while,” and get outside into the healing space of nature.

3. Show gratitude. It feels great to walk with your partner, whether horse or human, romantic partner, child, co-worker, when things are going smoothly. At Eponaquest, when we ask a horse to do something, and they do it, we give them immediate  positive feedback. I have found this tremendously helpful in my horse handling, my parenting, and in other relationships too.  Showing gratitude could be as simple as cultivating a feeling of gratitude, or sharing a simple comment or gesture. Go with what feels congruent to you. And when you do something well, don’t forget to acknowledge your success and send yourself some loving-kindness and gratitude too.

4. Be Willing to Learn. Relationships are messy. We all make mistakes. Can I just say that? Why do we think we won’t make mistakes, or that we shouldn’t? Forgive yourself. Breathe. Grieve. Feel what you need to feel. And try again. I love working with horses because they are so loving and forgiving. They don’t dwell on it when they make a mistake, or when you do. (We could learn a lot from this – letting go.) If you show up, willing to try, explore, and learn, they will show up too. This is a great metaphor for relationships and the process of life.

5. Breathe all the way to the Ground. As a Yoga teacher, I’m no stranger to the power of a long exhale. But there is something I learned from the horses that takes this a step further. As you’re breathing, right now, feel the energy of the exhale all the way down to the soles of your feet. This may take some practice, but it is worth doing. As you breathe, feel your connection with the ground. Horses’ hooves are shaped like listening cones, and they take in a lot of information through the ground, literally “listening” through the ground. When we breathe all the way to the ground, we similarly connect to the place where we are, the present moment, and can powerfully gather a wealth of non-verbal information about the situation we find ourselves in. This practice also “grounds” us, when we start to feel hyper-stimulated or too “up in our heads.” When you feel grounded. everyone around you will feel more safe and secure in your presence too.

If you want to learn more, send me an email, and consider joining me at Eponaquest this spring.
Namaste,
Erin